What We Say Matters

The words we speak establish our relationships with others and ourselves.

Words can build trust and can express sincerity, appreciation and courtesy, but words can also sow the seeds of discord.
Sometimes, we choose words that hurt other people’s feelings,We might not intend to be mean, but it’s the manner in which we express ourselves that causes resentment. So how can we communicate honestly without hurting other people’s feelings?

You’ll also learn:
How to tell your housemate to clean dishes?
Why making requests can be like offering gifts; and
How you can best talk to yourself.

Speaking truthfully and without harming others increases the well-being of everyone involved.
Speaking has profound effects on our well-being and the world around us.
The way we speak reflects how we view ourselves, as well as our opinions of others.
The way we speak also affects the way our discussions unfold.

"You’re so messy, you don’t give a damn about the house!”"
Instead of calmly stating your feelings, instead of communicating clearly about the issue, you both end up angry and argumentative.

So, how can you approach such situations to maximize your well-being as well as that of the other person?
Using right speech, language that’s truthful but not harmful.

Nonviolent communication allows you to speak in an honest, nonjudgmental way.
The first two elements of nonviolent communication are observations and feelings.
An observation is simply a statement of facts, Feelings, on the other hand, are signals sent by your subconscious that tell you whether your needs are being met.
By combining observations with feelings, you can make a nonviolent statement of truth like, “when I see dishes on the kitchen counter, I feel frustrated".
The next step to nonviolent communication is to express needs and requests.
Needs are things like food, security or creative expression.
A request needs to be present and doable.
When you combine all of the above components, you can say something like, “when I see ........ I feel frustrated because my need for ........ isn’t met. Would you be willing to ...... .. within the next 30 minutes?”

The final thing in NVC is making genuine requests, never demands. This means being open to the possibility that your request will not be accepted.

Focusing on your needs and empathizing with others can help you overcome and avoid unpleasant feelings.
Judgment and anger can often prevent people from communicating truthfully without harming others.
Fear of judgment causes people to agree to things that don’t meet their needs.
Acting without meeting your needs will leave a negative residue.
Empathy can help you avoid angry feelings altogether.
Sharing our feelings and needs as a form of gift-giving.
We can use empathy to improve communication  while defending their need for respect and autonomy.

By honestly expressing our feelings and needs while remaining open and avoiding doing harm to others, we can speak the truth without hurting ourselves or others.  

Adapted from What We Say Matters by Judith Hanson Lasater, Ike K. Lasater on Blinkist.

http://blinki.st/fea8a39b1243?chapter=58b4068fafd1210004c15f72